Toxic Shame vs. Biblical Growth

One of the most common reasons ex-Christians turn away from Jesus is because of experiencing shame from external factors, perpetuating internal ones. As we know, this has also pushed a false narrative, causing those who have never even set foot in a Church to avoid God entirely. I want to start by saying this: God does not want you to live in shame.

In 2019, Lifeway Research conducted a survey that found two-thirds of 18-22-year-olds who attended church regularly as children and teens stopped going. Of that group, 32% stopped going because of the judgment they received or felt while attending church.

The point of this post is not to tell my readers that their experience of the church and its people is an entirely invalid reason to stop attending church. But what I’m going to explain is the clear difference between Biblical growth and toxic shame, both promoted by not only other people, but within ourselves.

My Old Friend Shame

Without going into too much detail (because this section would be pages long alone), I’m going to share my experience with shame.

I didn’t grow up in the church, but was introduced when I was a teenager to a small church community. As a teenager, tons and tons of mistakes are made. My mistakes were far from aligning with God’s word, but I believed in Him and was a frequent church-goer.

At this point in time, though, I did not understand the weight of the Lord’s salvation. And so, I built up this concept that if I had now committed all these sins, there was no way He would love me. I was simply not worthy.

To make matters worse, I had received judgment from my peers, some being Christian. But it was all in the name of gossip, and they were teenagers too.

I avoided God because I was ashamed of what I had become. I literally ignored Him as he tried to speak to me throughout this season out of this overwhelming self-disgust.

I tell you this to share that shame has a deep root in all of us. It’s not hard to fall victim to shame, and it’s not easy to come out of it. Although that root was once a huge tree in the center of my heart, Jesus cut it down for me. It still sprouts up here and there, but I know now that there is nothing that will stop Him from seeing and believing in my worth.

Shame vs. Guilt

There is nothing wrong with holding yourself accountable.

Let’s say you had plans to go and meet a friend at the gym and brunch one morning, but you stayed up super late and slept through your alarms. The night before, you said to yourself, “I’ll wake up, it’ll be fine,” so you did not text your friend, warning them that you may not be able to make it. Now, you wake up to one or two missed calls and a “Hey, where are you at?” text. You feel so bad for putting your friend in that position, and you express how sorry you are. So, you tell them you will make it up to them, and now, if you have plans late at night, you no longer make plans early the next day.

That is guilt. Guilt is healthy because it pushes equal standards. What I mean by this is that guilt causes the sense of “I would be really hurt if someone did this to me.” Once we acknowledge within ourselves that we have messed up, guilt is the catalyst to change. As stated in the example, if you have late-night plans, you don’t schedule anything in the morning anymore. You made this change because you don’t want to hurt another person because of your actions if you can avoid it. This stems from the guilt you felt in that moment, encouraging you to learn from your mistakes and grow as a friend.

Now, let’s say the same situation, but your friend does not forgive you and calls you a terrible friend. You are humiliated by your actions and continue to beat yourself up for it, so you don’t even argue their point. You begin to rethink your friendships with other people, considering the fact that maybe you are a terrible friend; this one incident was just there to call you out on it. Maybe you don’t deserve to have friends at all.

This is shame. Shame doesn’t push for change; it sets you back. Through shame, you doubt yourself, relationships, opportunities, and more. It causes a wound of insecurity, self-pity, and anxiety. Shame can stem from an external factor, which can then lead to a buildup of crippling internal shame. Shame teaches you nothing but self-hate.

Toxic Shame: External and Internal

External shame is exactly what it sounds like: it comes from people or circumstances outside of yourself.

In the example that I just gave, the external shame was the friend who was unforgiving. Humans are defensive creatures, so there are times when we are in the wrong and are confronted with it, and we act defensively. We find ways to excuse our behavior and build resentment for those who confront us. Even when we can recognize that we have done something inherently incorrect, being faced with harsh judgment because of it makes us a lot less cooperative naturally. Most of us at least.

However, there is still that part of you that believes that they are right. You know that people don’t just say things for no reason, and you may have given them a reason to shine this negative light on you. So even though you defend yourself to other people, what external parties say about you still has an impact. You start to rethink everything you do, finding new ways to defend yourself and not let them be right. But at the same time, you wouldn’t be beating yourself up by trying to invalidate other people’s opinions if a part of you didn’t agree with them.

If you truly believe that you are a good friend, and that one person is just wrong about you based on one negative experience.. Then you would move on with your life, and you wouldn’t be replaying this interaction in your head.

In the church, this can look like many different things. I’ll use another example: You have a group of friends in the church who have been good friends for a few years now. You are all getting older, so going out is what’s popular. One thing leads to another, and you have been going to parties and having a few not-so-sober nights. Your church friends confront you about this, and here’s what they say: “We’ve noticed you are going down a sinful path. What you are doing is unrighteous, and we don’t want to be friends with someone who doesn’t practice the word of God.”

And so they stop being friends with you. This is an example of receiving toxic shame from followers of Christ. When someone points out your flaws and your sin but provides nothing else, they aren’t looking out for you. From this, although we may defend ourselves to other people, and call these friends out for their judgment, you may be and probably are deeply wounded by this. Those who are far from God may be pushed further away out of pure shame. Thoughts of unworthiness, avoiding God, self-disgust, and more start to take over. From my own personal experience and the experiences I’ve observed in others, shame also puts humans in a state of self-pity. We lose respect for ourselves, become more pessimistic, and truly convince ourselves that we don’t deserve certain things, such as God’s mercy. Although it is true that humans don’t deserve God’s mercy, it is also true that we have received it through Christ. What shame can do is make us forget that very important detail, therefore causing millions to turn away from a gracious God they think hates them.

Biblical Growth

Now, think of what a difference it would make if those same friends came up to you and said this instead: “Hey, we’ve noticed you have been going out to parties, and drinking here and there. As your friends, we just want to make sure you are okay and remind you that you can talk to us about anything. We just don’t want to see you pull away from God and a righteous path.”

Something along the lines of that is how we, as followers of Christ, should be communicating with one another. Trying to understand why someone may be falling into sin, and being a person to lean on instead of jumping straight to criticism.

Both towards other people, and yourself, just live in the reminder that Jesus has seen our sin but calls us by our name.Your sin does not define you, as long as you continue to seek God, he will wash your sin away.

I love the sayings “walk with Jesus,” “path with God,” and all the ways of saying this because I literally envision my life like that. Jesus and I walk hand-in-hand, He’s leading the way, of course, but sometimes I stumble on that road. I end up a few steps behind, but He is always waiting with His hand reaching out to me, just waiting for the moment I take His hand again and follow His lead.

This is everyone’s life. Remember the next time you point out someone’s sin purely from a place of disapproval, that you stumbled once too, and you will continue to. Instead, we should be making it easier for one another, providing solutions to their struggle, and being by their side. The friends in the example that I gave earlier can give suggestions for more group night outs that don’t involve partying, but maybe a dinner, Bible study, arts and crafts, and so much more. Jesus sat with sinners; he did not avoid them, and it is our belief to follow in His footsteps.

Be kind to yourself. When you face toxic shame from others, remember that they are only human too, on that same tough road you are on. When you fall, take His hand, and let Him help you back up. It’s your walk WITH Christ, so lean on His glory for support. Would you look at a friend who is offering to help you back up after you trip and say, “No, I can’t take your hand. I’m not worthy of your help.” They want to help you; in fact, they already have their hand in front of you waiting for you to grab on. Humility goes both ways; you have to be humble enough to accept God’s guidance when you are standing tall and mighty, and when you have just face planted in the dirt.

Be and Find a Nathan

“David said to Nathan, ‘I have sinned against the Lord,’ And Nathan said to David, ‘The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die” (2 Samuel 12:13 ESV)

Nathan was sent to David to confront him about his sins at the time. He used an analogy and revealed the Lord’s truth, quickly opening David’s eyes to his actions against God. Although Nathan very firmly held David accountable, he reminded David that the Lord is a forgiving God.

As our brothers and sisters fall, it is our duty to be a Nathan. To hold them to the Lord’s word and encourage them to change their ways. But at the same time, reminding them that they will always be worthy of God’s love, and that they are enough in His eyes. Find someone who you know will call you out when it serves right, but will want to guide you in the right direction, not to make you feel unworthy.

Toxic Shame vs. Biblical Growth